The email the creepy guy who writes to female erotic romance authors would write to Stephen King

Sometimes creepy guys come across female erotic romance writers and they think, “Oooh, I bet she’d love for me, a scary internet stranger, to say nasty things to her! I just have to send her an email/tweet/ransom-note-in-cut-out-letters and tell her what I think about her and the books she writes!”

Well, under that same logic, here’s the same creepy email from that same creepy guy if he decides to write to Stephen King instead. Keep in mind as you interpret, I write the hot/sexy, Stephen King writes the scary. 🙂

Dear Stephen King,

I saw your picture on your website. You are so scary. When I see your books and read your blog, I can’t believe how SCARED I get!

How do you come up with the ideas for what you put in your books? Have you done those things in real life? You must have one scary mind…

Like in that one book where the terrifying monster-clown ripped off the boy’s arm and he died–has that really happened to you?? I bet it has. I bet you like it SO SCARY.

I bet you write the things you do because you have a fantasy that you’ll get the same…that an evil, murderous clown will come out of the toilet and just scare the SHIT out of you!

You know my wife is scary too. When she reads your books, she gets so scared. I think you two should get together and you could scare my wife. Oooh, I’d love to watch that–you scaring her, her scaring you–and then maybe I’d join in and scare both of you good. Or maybe I’d just watch. God, that would be SO SCARY.

But why do you write the scary stuff? Are you just trying to sell books by scaring people? You’re really talented. Why don’t you write a REAL book in which people don’t get scared all the time?

I mean, you could have scary things happen in the book, but is it really necessary for people in your books to get scared so OFTEN, and in such GRAPHIC DETAIL? If you toned it down people might see that you’re actually a great writer and not just a writer who writes scary stuff.

I mean, not me, of course. I like writers who write the scary stuff.

Stephen, you know what your website needs? A picture of you getting scared. Or better yet, email it me at imadelusionalloser@hotmail.com.

Writing this email is getting me so scared. I have to go now so I can think about how scary you are and scream in fear while I scare myself. You know, I have a lot of fear. Like huge fear. You would be so scared if you saw the size of my fear. I should send you a picture of it. Maybe you could write a story about it.

Signed,

Someone who’s never going to read your books but who stumbled across your website while searching for “hot young blondes freeboobing”

Ridiculous, no? 

Guys, don’t scare the ladies. It’s hard to write the smut when you’re creeped out. And nobody wins when the smut-writing slows down. Now, creepy guy, go buy my book, give it to your *ahem* lucky lady, and…

go scare yourself. 

Cheers!

Piper 🙂

Comments

  1. antonio angelo says:

    Brilliant, absolutely brilliant.

  2. That was one of the most hilarious things I’ve read in ages! Love it! And I do love Stephen King. He scares me all night long 😉

  3. LOL That letter is so spot-on.

  4. Absolutely *scaring* brilliant! And a big “ewwwww” to your skeezy fan. If your mock letter reflect the original at all, I bet you wanted to wipe down your computer with Clorox.

    Some people just don’t get it. He probably won’t get your Stephen King letter, either. His loss.

    I feel really sorry for his wife/girlfriend.

    • Ha ha! I really appreciate your comment and your appropriate use of the word scaring 🙂 but in full disclosure this is complete fiction! I have never (thank god) received one of these emails but I know a lot of writers who have received skeevy comments/questions like this, and a recent conversation I had with one of them just set my mind working…

      I guess that means I do a mean impression of creepy internet guy?! 😀

      • I couldn’t help but think, “What would it look like if the same concepts these guys talk about were applied to another genre? How would that play out? Would it expose how stupid the line of thinking is?” And then my mind went from there. So this is a general message to all creeps. 🙂

  5. Jessica Lemmon says:

    BWAAA HAHAAA AHAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    *AHEM* and… EWWW!!!

    But, BWAAAAHAHAHAHAHAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! more than EWW.

    KnowwhatImean? 😉

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