I hope to keep updating this post. And as ridiculous as it is, it’s my version of a love note to my husband, who not only is the perfect partner in crime for me, but is also the perfect partner for me. Thank god for his confidence and sense of humor.
This post should prove to you that’s there’s someone for everyone. Even me.
**WARNING: DO NOT READ THIS POST IF YOU’RE EASILY OFFENDED BY HIGHLY OFFENSIVE THINGS**
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1/14/12: It’s my hubby’s birthday and I take him out for dinner and drinks to celebrate. My husband is honestly a man of great integrity and a true romantic. I am NOT romantic. (Ironic, given that I write romance novels, no?) Plus I cannot resist a good naughty joke (just ask the HR department at work…).
So we’re sitting at the bar having drinks and I’m looking down at my wedding ring, which is on my right hand because I’ve lost a little weight and it’s gotten loose, and on cold nights it’s in danger of falling off. I had to put it on another finger so I wouldn’t lose it. So — joking — I hold my hands up and say, “Look, I’m not married!” And he very seriously asks, “You take your wedding ring off?”
“Well, only because otherwise it’s going to fall off and I’ll lose it.”
“I NEVER take my wedding ring off.” (very sincerely) “I can’t believe you take yours off.”
“Well I’m sorry, but I need to get it re-sized!” We silently drink beer for a minute. “You really never take yours off?”
“Nope.”
“Not even to shower or swim?”
“Nope.”
“Not even to put on lotion?”
“I don’t put on lotion.”
“Not even to work in the yard?”
“Nope.”
“Really?” I did not know this.
“Really.”
….I pause to drink more beer and think about how it’s very sweet and romantic that it means something to my husband to never take his wedding ring off.
…
“So not even when you’re wedding-ring-deep in the cunt of a Las Vegas whore?”
Shaking his head. “Not even then. I’m a man of honor.”
“It’s true. No one would question that.”
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1/15/12: I used this story in a blog interview with Emily Cale. I told her I had this conversation with a “friend” of mine because I was too embarrassed to admit I actually had it with my husband. 😀
We’re driving in the car and something happens that prompts me to say, “Wow, that takes me STRAIGHT back to high school.”
He says, “Oh yeah, some things take me right back too, like certain songs or like certain movies…”
Me: “Or like a mediocre cock attached to a redneck…”
Hubby, silently shaking his head.
Me: “Oh yeah…takes me right back…”
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2/6/12: So hubs comes home from work and I hadn’t seen him when he left that morning. He looks fucking hot and I want to compliment my man — really illustrate for him how good he looks. So I tell him the best compliment that comes to mind, “Babe, you look so hot today that if I was a call girl and showed up at your hotel room, I’d be totally PSYCHED!!”
He kisses me and says, “Aw thanks! And it’s funny that you say that, because she totally was.”
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To be continued… Or maybe I should say, “This shit will never end.” 😀
