Incredibly Unromantic Things This Erotic Romance Author Says to Her Husband

I hope to keep updating this post. And as ridiculous as it is, it’s my version of a love note to my husband, who not only is the perfect partner in crime for me, but is also the perfect partner for me. Thank god for his confidence and sense of humor.

This post should prove to you that’s there’s someone for everyone. Even me.





1/14/12:  It’s my hubby’s birthday and I take him out for dinner and drinks to celebrate. My husband is honestly a man of great integrity and a true romantic. I am NOT romantic. (Ironic, given that I write romance novels, no?) Plus I cannot resist a good naughty joke (just ask the HR department at work…).

So we’re sitting at the bar having drinks and I’m looking down at my wedding ring, which is on my right hand because I’ve lost a little weight and it’s gotten loose, and on cold nights it’s in danger of falling off. I had to put it on another finger so I wouldn’t lose it. So — joking — I hold my hands up and say, “Look, I’m not married!” And he very seriously asks, “You take your wedding ring off?”

“Well, only because otherwise it’s going to fall off and I’ll lose it.”

“I NEVER take my wedding ring off.” (very sincerely) “I can’t believe you take yours off.”

“Well I’m sorry, but I need to get it re-sized!” We silently drink beer for a minute. “You really never take yours off?”


“Not even to shower or swim?”


“Not even to put on lotion?”

“I don’t put on lotion.”

“Not even to work in the yard?”


“Really?” I did not know this.


….I pause to drink more beer and think about how it’s very sweet and romantic that it means something to my husband to never take his wedding ring off.

“So not even when you’re wedding-ring-deep in the cunt of a Las Vegas whore?”

Shaking his head. “Not even then. I’m a man of honor.”

“It’s true. No one would question that.”







1/15/12: I used this story in a blog interview with Emily Cale. I told her I had this conversation with a “friend” of mine because I was too embarrassed to admit I actually had it with my husband. 😀

We’re driving in the car and something happens that prompts me to say, “Wow, that takes me STRAIGHT back to high school.”

He says, “Oh yeah, some things take me right back too, like certain songs or like certain movies…”

Me: “Or like a mediocre cock attached to a redneck…”

Hubby, silently shaking his head.

Me: “Oh yeah…takes me right back…”






2/6/12: So hubs comes home from work and I hadn’t seen him when he left that morning. He looks fucking hot and I want to compliment my man — really illustrate for him how good he looks. So I tell him the best compliment that comes to mind, “Babe, you look so hot today that if I was a call girl and showed up at your hotel room, I’d be totally PSYCHED!!”

He kisses me and says, “Aw thanks! And it’s funny that you say that, because she totally was.”


To be continued… Or maybe I should say, “This shit will never end.” 😀

The email the creepy guy who writes to female erotic romance authors would write to Stephen King

Sometimes creepy guys come across female erotic romance writers and they think, “Oooh, I bet she’d love for me, a scary internet stranger, to say nasty things to her! I just have to send her an email/tweet/ransom-note-in-cut-out-letters and tell her what I think about her and the books she writes!”

Well, under that same logic, here’s the same creepy email from that same creepy guy if he decides to write to Stephen King instead. Keep in mind as you interpret, I write the hot/sexy, Stephen King writes the scary. 🙂

Dear Stephen King,

I saw your picture on your website. You are so scary. When I see your books and read your blog, I can’t believe how SCARED I get!

How do you come up with the ideas for what you put in your books? Have you done those things in real life? You must have one scary mind…

Like in that one book where the terrifying monster-clown ripped off the boy’s arm and he died–has that really happened to you?? I bet it has. I bet you like it SO SCARY.

I bet you write the things you do because you have a fantasy that you’ll get the same…that an evil, murderous clown will come out of the toilet and just scare the SHIT out of you!

You know my wife is scary too. When she reads your books, she gets so scared. I think you two should get together and you could scare my wife. Oooh, I’d love to watch that–you scaring her, her scaring you–and then maybe I’d join in and scare both of you good. Or maybe I’d just watch. God, that would be SO SCARY.

But why do you write the scary stuff? Are you just trying to sell books by scaring people? You’re really talented. Why don’t you write a REAL book in which people don’t get scared all the time?

I mean, you could have scary things happen in the book, but is it really necessary for people in your books to get scared so OFTEN, and in such GRAPHIC DETAIL? If you toned it down people might see that you’re actually a great writer and not just a writer who writes scary stuff.

I mean, not me, of course. I like writers who write the scary stuff.

Stephen, you know what your website needs? A picture of you getting scared. Or better yet, email it me at

Writing this email is getting me so scared. I have to go now so I can think about how scary you are and scream in fear while I scare myself. You know, I have a lot of fear. Like huge fear. You would be so scared if you saw the size of my fear. I should send you a picture of it. Maybe you could write a story about it.


Someone who’s never going to read your books but who stumbled across your website while searching for “hot young blondes freeboobing”

Ridiculous, no? 

Guys, don’t scare the ladies. It’s hard to write the smut when you’re creeped out. And nobody wins when the smut-writing slows down. Now, creepy guy, go buy my book, give it to your *ahem* lucky lady, and…

go scare yourself. 


Piper 🙂